Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Locked in the garden for four hours!!!

Okay, first things first, it would seem we have a smart arse in the blog ring, wouldnt you agree.. Sarah! grrrr So you know what gender I am.. but that is nothing compared to what I have gathered from your personal computer files.. Mwa ha ha ha ha

1. Sarah is female!
2. Sarah read's this blog!!
3. Sarah.. oh your gonna like this one bloggers.. sits down to pee!!!

Now down to the topic at hand.. Today was a day, much like any other day, it started... with me.... waking up!!!! (shock horror) well technically it started at 7:15am, with my son, opening his door, standing silently in the dark hallway... closing the door behind him... standing some more... then pulling on my bedroom doorhandle... slight whimpering... and then standing in silence some more.. at which point I was forced to slither out of bed, half asleep, open the door, only for him to turn round, open his door, creep back in his bedroom, climb back in to bed and lay down to go to sleep, so I closed the door and went back to bed... my question is WHY?!?! kids!!! Not satisfied with his own sleep being interupted, has to come and break mine!! Doze back off... same thing at 8:15am!!!! This time, when the handle of my door twitched, I said "back to bed!" at which he went back to bed!?!? I dont get it, do you?!

I really must try to stay on topic, I know your all so eager to hear about me being locked in the garden for four hours.. not that exciting.. honest.. where was I.. Oh yeah.. waking up.. well after getting up at 8:15am he stayed in bed until just after 9am, at which point he had given up with trying to wake us, and went straight in to his sisters room as she was watching a video (yes she has a tv in her room.. how else am I going to stay in bed until 9am with a six year old in the house?! and dont worry, I watched all the movies first.. except her favorite (cant spell i know (or can I?)) 'Return to OZ' *shiver* films enough to scare any grown MAN! (glares at Sarah's message)) .. im wandering again, arent I?!

Okay, okay, damn you people are impatient.. I'll type in fast forward.. rnd'd ^ kds.. brkfstd thm.. chngd bms.. drnk cfe.. chngd bms.. chkd e-ml.. strtd wshng ^.. okay, have to enthasize on the washing up.. OH MY GOD.. I have never seen so much washing up.. well maybe I have because its a regular occurance.. put it this way.. This is a house of five.. and we had not done the washing up for approximately three days.. quite amusing really.. we both refused to do it.. because we both believe that the other doesent do enough.. LMAO.. this is where I get locked in the garden.. by my WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Started doing the washing up.. yes yes I know, the great and mighty SHaDoWS resorted to doing the washing up.. was necesary.. how is a hypno hacker supposed to get his intake of coffee WITHOUT A TEASPOON!?!? So theres me, half way through the washing up, when in strolls the Mrs.. so I ask her to make some space by doing some of the drying up, so I can wash some more.. at which point she now refused.. saying I DONT DO ENOUGH MAN JOBS AROUND THE HOUSE?!?!? me and DIY do not get on.. wonky shelves, broken flat pack furniture.. list goes on.. so I dry my hands.. at which point she requests me to go in to the garden to look at something or other.. so feeling slightly bruised from her comments and wanting to Impress I foolishly go.. I step in to the garden.. door slams behind me and *CLICK* the door is locked and im in the garden!!

A few moments later a face appears at the window.. its my son.. looking and pointing saying "daddy.. in gardom.." great thanks son.. could have just let me in.. but no.. would rather push his face against the glass and point.. another face appears.. this time my daughter.. she comes bearing a message.. "Mummy says.. you have to finnish the garden.. and then you can come back in.." Hmm... finnish the garden.. this is what went through my head... "AAAAAAARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I will post a picture of the garden in a second.. to add insult to injury.. my daughter starts to think of punishments for if i dont do the garden.. and out comes this cracker.. "If you dont do it.. you will have to stay out there all night without dinner!!" now where have I heard that before... i wonder.. revenge perhaps? felt safe behind a locked door I imagine!! KIDS!?!?!?!

As you can see from the above picture, the garden is an absolute state.. the brown strip on the right isn't a flowerbed.. its where I had started to dig up the soil........... last summer........... LMAO.... im not a gardner and I didnt realise it was gonna be so much hard work.. so being the master of hypnosis and an even greater master of avoidingworkosis had managed to worm out of doing the rest of it using various excuses.. Im tired from work (bearing in mind, I only work three days out of seven..) we have to go shopping.. (I hate shopping, but I hate gardening more..) Im playing with the kids right now, maybe later.. etc etc.. but now.. im locked in the garden.. me.. a couple of rusty garden tools.. and alot of damp smelly icky mud..

No matter how hard I thought.. there was no way out.. my wife was no where to be seen.. I guess she feared that I would use my powers of hypnosis or my even greater powers of seduction?! who know's.. I couldnt even jump the fences and come round to the front of the house as we are a middle house and that would entail:

1. getting over the fence (no easy task when your a 14 stone bloke and the fences arent very stable)
2. if i did get over the fence (unlikely), and encountered a neighbour? (how do you explain that your jumping the fence to escape from the wife's instructions of doing the gardening?!)
3. The noise of the kids laughing at there fat father trying to climb a flimsy fence would bring the Mrs running with some form of torture device!

Fearing the embarassment, I pick up my fork, and reluctantly start to dig away.. hour later i've barely even made a dent, my feet are coated in mud, my ONLY pair of trainers ruined (bearing in mind im a jeans, boots and shirt man) just to beef up my blog im going to include a picture of them..

This is only a small amount of mud compared to when i was actually doing the work, felt like i was on stilts most the time, was very sticky clay like mud, and yes, the trainers are cheap shoeworld plastic soled imitation HI-TEC's, haha who in there right mind would make imitations of HI-TEC trainers? then again, thinking about it, who in there right mind would buy imitiation HI-TEC's?! oh.. uhm.. never mind..

Anyway.. three plus something hours.. and I have reached the last piece of grass and proceeded to dig it over.. feeling mighty proud of myself.. I tap on the window to get the wifes attention.. in she stroll's all warm and happy.. opens the window.. blurts out.. its all lumpy and you have to move all the lumps of grass off of the mud..... I just glared.. at which point she closed the window.. and WALKED AWAY AGAIN!!!!!! WHEN DOES THE WORK EVER STOP!!!!!!! Back to my old pal Mr Fork.. what?!? I Was locked in the garden all on my own (other than the occasional "come on dad, your a bit slow!" from the kids!) so me and Mr Fork (who is now bent (not that way you perv's)) got back to work.. half hour or so later.. most the lumps are gone.. and its looking a little more level.. I bang on the window again.. again.. the wife strolls on in again.. looks around the garden.. opens the window.. and says.... its not very flat is it? you need to walk up and down like a wind up soldier with your feet tied together to flatten it down!?!?!? FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC!!! before she closed the window, I turned to her and asked for some help.. window closed.. she walks away AGAIN.. short while later the garden door opens.. I did think about taking a running jump for the door.. but was foiled by the fact my feet were so heavy from the mud any movement was unlikely.. and out from the door emerges.. yup.. you guessed it.. A LITTLE HELP.. the dreaded six year old daughter in wellys.. well thank you very much.. she proceeded to bounce on a small mound of earth.. repeatedly saying because i hadnt responded..
"This is hard work, can you help me dad?"
"This is hard work, can you help me dad?"
"This is hard work, can you help me dad?"
At which I snapped, your supposed to be helping me you Donut, so, what does she do? start walking up and down the part I had already walked on!!! KIDS!?!?!

Anyway, by now the garden looked like this, and is how it still stands now..

Oh.. I nearly forgot.. my wife was kind enough.. to half way through the day offer me something to eat.. a chinese was out of the question.. and I refused to eat dairylea cheese spread sandwiches with the kids.. so just to be difficult I requested toast.. but no ordinary toast.. I wanted three slices of toast.. each with three toppings.. in stripes.. Marmalade.. Jam.. and peanut butter.. and thats just what I got.. she must love me.. haha.. half expected dry toast and water.. Im sure the thought crossed her mind.. because much like me.. she is EVIL.. mwahahaha

Until next time blog-a-holics..
Be safe and stay out of the SHaDoWS.. }:)


Anonymous Sarah said...

Well that just about serves you right! Stay out of my private stuff ....rofl rofl oh this is funny!

I shall try and refrain from pointing out your blundering obviously mistakes in future hehehehe! ;)

1:04 pm  
Blogger Elder Faery said...

How absolutely inspiring. Would attempt to do same with my Oak, but unfortunately the high fences and barbed wire that surround our garden would not prevent him from escaping.

10:04 am  

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